Attempting Agape: Myth 3: Birthparents are the Enemy

Mythbuster Series - Birth Parents: Post 3

Last year, a friend of mine had her children placed in foster care. Walking through that journey with her as well as getting to know my foster kids families more and more, I have found my preconceptions challenged and sometimes shattered. It seems self-evident, but birthfamilies* are such a huge part of what I do as a foster parent. And this reality in deeper when you actually become a foster parent and open up your heart to children and all of the family that comes with them.

The sad truth is that in many foster care situations, the birthfamily becomes an adversary. They are to be feared, worked around and tolerated while the children are still in foster care and then if the kids are adopted, so long birthfamily.

As foster parents, I think we can do better. In fact, I know we can do better. The first step is bringing atmosphere of respect to foster care. We need to acknowledge the families ongoing role in the child's life, no matter why the child came into care. Refer to them as Mom and Dad,* commit to using kindness in your words about the childs family at all times and take a look at your own preconceptions about birthfamilies and remember that just as all children are not the same, all families are not the same.

Along with respect, a key thing is to treat all members of the birth family as real people. The golden rule comes to mind. Do for the family of your foster kids, what you would want done for you if your children were removed from your home. Imagine it, what you you want? ?As a Mom, I would want to know everything I could about what my child's life was like at their new home. I would want to meet the people caring for them. I would love pictures of the child to see that they are happy, safe, loved, etc. I would appreciate phone calls and copies of artwork. I would understand that I might not be able to come to your home, or know your last name right away, but I would want to know you and be sure that my child is safe. {Podcast: Opening Up to to Birth Parents}

That being said, as a foster parent, it is your job to keep that child safe. There is a reason the child was removed from their home, so use wisdom, ask your social worker before disclosing too much about yourself, address, last name, etc. And always be honest with the social worker if things are unsafe or questionable. It is your job to support the child and sometimes that means you need to "tattle" on a family member. Even this can be done with respect.

Finally, we need to remember the birth family and the foster family are on the same team. The "family" part of both names gives it away. Everyone loves & cares for this child and wants the very best for them. Somewhere in the first conversation with every new family I say, "I want you to know, I am on your team. I care about your child already and want to see them have the very best this life has to offer. I am on your team." ?An audible sigh always comes next. It puts me and them on the same side of the big bad system and keeps the child in focus. With that, as hard as it is for my heart, I almost always fight for reunification. If it is safe and pretty healthy, it is best for kids and when I am on the same team as the birth family I realize it isn't ME VS THEM. It is all about the kids.

There are times when kids can't go home. When things with their families haven't changed enough and when they aren't safe being there. Then I continue the fight for the child - whether that is adoption by me or by another family member or something else. But, their family will always be a part of them and if I can do the respect and honor thing right - they can be a treasured part of who they are - even if they can't live with them anymore.

If I am respecting the birth family, taking care of the kids and being honest with the social workers about the good, the bad and the ugly, I have to let the rest go and remember that whatever happens birthparents are not the enemy.

*Throughout this post I use the term birthfamily for clarity, but keep in mind that until a court of law terminates those relationships, they are simply the child's family. And the focus of this post is specifically on families of kids in foster care.

Other posts in this series:
Myth 1: All Birthparents are Young and Unmarried
Myth 2: Foster Kids Are Better Off Being Adopted
Myth 3: Birthparents are the Enemy

Source: http://attemptingagape.blogspot.com/2012/07/myth-3-birthparents-are-enemy.html

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